What else I can imagine that time? I was just 11 years old. I lost my world, lost my mother. I was not that close to her, instead, I was a papa’s girl. But sending her to another world without properly knowing her makes me supercilious towards them who have mothers. I couldn’t listen to any songs that describe a mother, couldn’t see any program that was solely devoted to the mother. Being 26 years old, till now I can’t face the truth. I have to pretend every time that I am okay, imagine what I felt when I was 11.
Every child would feel the same. I was happy when my best friend lost her father. Was I selfish? Or a mentally handicapped child? Till now I think of an answer, how do other child deal when they lost their parent?
I had always tried to prevaricate the fact that I don’t have a mother. It felt very denigrating when my classmates pointed me that this girl lost her mother. And they continuously asking what, why and how this happened? Moreover, gossiping stories related to their mother in front of me, most abominating. At that time I have prayed several thousand times that their mother should have died also. I would be the happiest person on this planet if that could have happened. Even my teachers acted like others, always asking those questions. In my sense, when a child lost somebody doesn’t ask him or her what happened, please behave that nothing happened, this may help them a lot. I faced this so I know.
I know they couldn’t be understood the fact. They were child also, every human has their right to say anything. But I couldn’t handle it. Just a few days ago, in my office when everyone was talking about mother’s love, I couldn’t handle my tears in front of them. After the incident, I felt very ashamed of my actions. But was it shameful? Why expressing tears in front of everyone for lost one is shameful? Why do we show our laughs and hide our tears with that wistful laugh?
Nowadays I try to forget the fact that I lost her, it may assuage my pain. On her death anniversary, we don’t arrange any special prayers for her. This will remind what happened back then every time. She is in our hearts, she will remain there in calm, no need for special prayers to calm her departed soul.